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Living Like Rita

 


In September, my life turned upside down. My husband chose his mistress of more than a year over me and our daughter and moved out. He moved out in spring but he came back after two months. That time, he was only asking for some time to make his decision. It turned out that he spent the entire time with the other woman and after two months he decided to come back and try to make things work with me. He ended up ditching his mistress but once he was at home again, he felt that he couldn't live without the boost of ego his much younger lover meant for him and in late August he announced that would move out. I had only one week to figure things out.

So here is how I'm coping with things.

I have fixed expenses, like tax, water, gas, electricity, transportation, child care (my daughter goes to kindergarten) and groceries. I'm self-employed with several clients, so I don't have a payday, but I receive my income throughout the month. To make things more complicated, I have to save up for pension as I'm only entitled to a tiny amount of pension from the government and I don't want to be a burden on my child when I grow old. I have to pay the same amount of tax every month (even when I don't have any income) and if I miss two months, the tax authorities withdraw my license, so it's a huge responsibility.
So to sum up this part, what I have to pay every month is tax, water, gas, electricity, transportation, child care, student loan, Internet, groceries, garbage fee and pension savings. I have to pay a home owner's insurance every three months, an accident insurance every half a year and my accountant's fee every three months. I like to save for these every month just to make sure I have the amount on my bank account. If I add these, I get the minimum amount we need for survival. I know it sounds harsh but this is what it is. I have to make sure I have this amount coming in every month, no matter what. To make tracking my expenses easier, I have broken my groceries budget into weeks, so I have a limit for every week.

Extra expenses are medical expenses if one of us gets sick, clothing, entertainment and a small amount that goes to create an emergency fund. Luckily, I have enough clothes, so I don't need to buy anything for myself and I buy my daughter's clothes in two shops which have low prices but good quality clothes. Kids' shoes can be pretty expensive, so my parents contribute that part of my expenses. My mom can also come to babysit if necessary, so I don't have to pay for a babysitter. We don't really go out, but my daughter and I both like doing DIY projects, drawing and painting, so it's only art supplies that I have to spend money on every now and then. Her swimming classes are financed by my husband.

I have multiple sources of income: I teach at home and at a language school as a part-time teacher, I also do translations and interpret if I have commissions. I'm also working on a new project but I'll get back to that later.

Since my husband decided not to come back anymore, I am entitled to child support from him (the amount is laid down in the law) even though we aren't divorced yet. Unfortunately, he thinks that child support is an optional thing and last month he paid but this month he isn't really willing to and he also told me not to expect him paying child support to become a habit or at least not this amount because it hurts his bank account, so I don't add child support to my sources of income. I have to learn to cope with the situation without his support. Don't feel sorry for me. It's just money. I have the most precious thing of all: my daughter. This is what counts.

To make sure I have the minimum necessary income every month, I advertise myself on several platforms as a teacher, I have already applied for a part-time job at a different language school, I'm registered at a translation office who pay me a commission when I work for them - this an ad hoc kind of income. As an entrepreneur, I have to think ahead, so this month, I'm doing a special task for one of my clients that won't mean a huge income, but I'm pretty sure that if it's successful, I will secure my place in my client's list of service providers from January.
I have mentioned that I'm working on a project. A friend of mine works in branding, marketing and HR and a few months ago when we sat down to brainstorm ideas for improving my small business, we found a market gap that I could fill in with a good strategy. However, I had to dedicate this year to preparation as laws in Hungary are extremely strict if you try to do anything new, especially if it is related to selling something online or providing a service. My project is going to come to life early next year.

I'm also planning to make some money by selling some of my daughter's stuff that she no longer needs, such as baby toys, clothes and I also some things around the house which I no longer need but are still in good shape. This way, I can do some decluttering and get some money at the same time.

Whatever comes in as an extra income, goes to my savings account to make sure I have enough money even when I have a more limited income.


So that was it for this post. I hope you found good ideas in it. If you have any questions, remarks or extra tips, please don't hold back, leave a comment. 

 


In this post, I'm going to write about my painful but inspirational journey of more than a year. I have wanted to write this post for weeks but we are about to get divorced and I know some people are watching my online activity. I'm sharing this story on an English platform (a language different from my native language) and I'm trying to give away as little information as possible. Infidelity is only the tip of the iceberg. I wouldn't like to go into detail regarding what else lead me to file for divorce. I hope you will be able to draw the lesson from my story anyway. Please, don't feel sorry for me. This is not what I need.

My husband started an affair more than a year ago and he admitted it a year ago. He justified by saying that I was ageing, fat and ugly and infidelity was what I deserved. It turned out that he had asked my parents to babysit multiple times when he wanted to have sex with his girlfriend and of course, my parents didn't know what they were involved in - he always lied to them that he had to work late and I was working. Imagine how my mother felt after we learnt the truth...

We both wanted to keep our family together, so he promised to break up with the other woman (who was a lot younger than my husband). He broke my heart within a month by false promises, humiliation and not knowing what to do. A month after his confession, I was so heartbroken that I spent an entire day lying in bed in the dark bedroom. The following day, I realised that I needed help and I started therapy within a week.

I have learnt a lot along the way.

1. Men cheat even when they get everything at home.
My husband has never seen me with messy hair, stained clothes, etc. Not even after I gave birth. I have always put effort into being a woman and tried to give him as much attention and affection as possible with a baby on board. Our daughter has slept through the night since she was seven weeks old and she has had a fixed daily routine since she was four months old, so sleep deprivation and unpredictability have never been problems in our life.

2. It's okay for them to hurt others in the name of love.

3. They cheat due to superficial things, like appearance and all the real values, such as family, kids, fidelity, togetherness, etc. end up in the trash.

4. They cheat with women who make them feel like a big boy. This is something I learnt from my therapist. My daughter wasn't even a year old when I went back to university. I had wanted a second degree since 2009 and it was at that time when I had the time and the money to make my dream come true. I got the degree of my dreams, started my own business, received a lot of positive feedback from colleagues, friends and clients, which boosted my confidence, while he was stuck in a dead-end job he hated but paid well. I never bragged with having two degrees and running my own business. On the contrary, I told him countless times how proud I was of him and how much I admired him as he had some life skills I was lacking. Husbands of women like me often bring another woman into the marriage to make them feel more worthwhile. These other women are usually somewhat inferior to them: they are either a lot younger, earn less or have lower qualifications. All three applied in our case.

5. If they have a wife who is way younger than they are, they want an even younger woman because nothing is good enough for them.

6. If they have a problem with themselves, they project those problems on their spouses. My husband had problems with his appearance, career and achievements in his life. Instead of trying to figure out a way to improve himself, he started to make comments on my appearance, career, income, personality and literally everything I was doing was worthless and stupid.

7. Some women are okay with relationships where their partners use them as playthings and constantly lie to them. I mean the other woman.

8. Some women see an affair as a competition. Who wins the guy in the end? Is it me or the wife? Am I good enough to make a man leave his family for me?

9. What men think is love is in fact, pure madness. In the past year, my husband has done one stupid thing after the other, he has changed for the worst under the influence of his girlfriend. He has become careless, negligent, rude and inconsiderate. Before he moved out, I told him to be with someone who makes him a better person, not a worse one.

10. Men cheat but aren't willing to face the consequences. My husband thought that he could have an affair and still have his family because I would just take it for the sake of our daughter.

11. They simply pack and leave as if it was nothing. If another woman gives them attention and sex, they just throw their families out of the window and leave. Unfortunately, it's always the wife and the children who end up in the therapist's office.

12. They leave without completely forgetting about the fact that they are still responsible for their families they left behind.

13. After eight months of hard work, listening to his humiliating words and lies, I managed to put my feelings in words: I will never allow such a man to tell me that I'm worthless. I deserve better and I know exactly what I want from a relationship.

14. No matter what happens, it's not their fault. They are completely innocent.

The most important thing I learnt is that it's okay not to be perfect, it's okay to feel bad on some days and it's okay to feel the need to be alone and wait until you are emotionally ready to date someone.

(source of the image: "Designed by rawpixel.com / Freepik")

Bucket lists are a huge thing nowadays. I have read several bucket list blog posts and articles and I also have a list of things I would like to accomplish and experience. However, my bucket list is getting shorter and shorter and not because I have such an eventful life but maybe because I have learnt to be happy with whatever life gives me and I have learnt to be proud of what I have accomplished so far. What are these things? Here is my reverse bucket list.


1. I went to the second-best university of Hungary and I got a Master's Degree in 2009. I'm a philologist of English language and literature and a teacher of English as a foreign language.

2. At the age of 28, I was a headteacher at the language where I was working at that time.

3. I have written a practice test book for language learners who prepare for the ECL language exam.

4. I have had my dream holiday in Normandy and I have seen the Bayeux Tapestry, which was at the top of my bucket list,

5. Despite PCOS, I had a beautiful daughter who is now 3 and mentally she's at the level of a 6-year-old (this is what the kindergarten teachers and our paediatrician told me). She's kind, social, caring, loving and super intelligent. I can't tell you how proud and grateful I am for being her mother.

6. I have learnt to practice self-love through a very painful experience. I have gone through a lot over the past year and I got from wanting to throw my life away to loving and respecting myself. I might write a blog post on the process but it's still a sensitive topic to discuss in detail.

7. In 2019, my career dream came true when I got another degree (at a different university this time) and became a translator and interpreter specialized in social sciences and economics. I had been dreaming of that day for 10 years!

8. I have started my own small business.

9. I have learnt to let things go and cut toxic people out of my life.

10. I have become better at problem-solving. In fact, I'm pretty good at problem-solving and I can think very fast even in a stressful situation.

11. I have dealt with a financial situation from my previous marriage. I had a business with my ex-husband and he didn't want to have it deleted from the system, though we hadn't been active for years. I started the process and I was the contact person. I had to coordinate finances, keep in touch with our lawyer, accountant, the bank, the local court and the tax authorities. It was a long, difficult and nasty process which started in August 2018 and ended in May this year. The bank wasn't willing to pay me our leftover money and I was fighting them for almost 2 years for it. I hadn't thought before that I would ever be able to deal with such a complicated and stressful situation. They didn't even negotiate with my lawyer. Crazy, isn't it? In April, I got so mad that I set down to type a letter of complaint (it turned out to be an A4 sheet long typed in font size 11), I filled out the bank's complaint form (6 pages long) and attached all the necessary documents again. My style was so threatening and nasty that I got the money in a bit more than a month after sending them the letter and I finally had the bank account deleted. What a relief! I was so proud of myself!

These are my biggest accomplishments so far. There isn't a lot more that I want to achieve. I'm still working on self-love and mental health. I think there is always room for improvement.


(image: "Designed by Freepik")


I am a happy and proud mother of a three-year-old girl. And I am one of those cruel AF moms who make their kids do some housework. But is really as bad as it sounds at first?

When I was kid, my mom used to tidy and clean our house all the time. We had lots of arguments because I couldn't and didn't want to keep up with her. When I was younger, I didn't have to do anything and when I became a bit older and my mom wanted me to help, I just didn't want to do it. When I moved out at the age 18, learning to take care of myself was a painful procedure. I couldn't clean, do the laundry or cook and it took me months to learn all of these.

When I became a mother, I decided to do things differently. As soon as my daughter was old enough to walk - not even alone, just by grabbing the furniture -, I started to involve her in housework. She was just over one year old. Yes. 1. I thought that she could learn everything by doing things in a playful way.

First, I asked her to take out the items from the grocery bag when we got home from shopping. She handed everything over to me and I put all the stuff away. Then I taught her how to feed the cats. It was her favourite chore.

I also started to notice that she was super talented at taking things out of the drawers and making a huge mess. I thought, 'Well if you can take these out, you should be able to put them back', so I taught her how to put her toys away.

I involved her in different chores month by month. Now she is 3 and in addition to what I have mentioned above, she has to put her toys away, put her plate and fork in the kitchen sink after meals, set the dishwasher, help me hand the clothes on laundry days, collect her own clothes once they are dry, put chocolate wraps (or other packaging) in the trash can and she also helps me in the kitchen. She loves cooking and baking and as I started teaching her how to work in the kitchen at a very young age, she knows how to make, say, a sponge cake without making a huge mess. In fact, I make a bigger mess than she does.

Other parents have told me that I'm cruel and I don't let my kid be a kid, I deprive her of a happy and carefree childhood but I don't agree with these people. She goes to kindergarten and the other kids in her group are older than she is (4-5years old). Last year, at a parent-teacher meeting the teachers asked the parents to involve the kids in housework because although the teachers were trying to ask them to put away their toys and simple things like that, most of the kids didn't help because they weren't used to it. One of the teachers recommended some household chores, such as sweeping, wiping the table or simple things like that.

Of course, there are days when my daughter is too tired to put away everything. For such cases, I bought her a pink bunny basket.

When playtime is over but she's too tired, she doesn't have to put things back on the shelves or into the drawer. She only has to pick up all her toys from the floor and throw them in the bunny basket.



The basket then goes to the corner for the night and the following day, we can go through the items and put everything in place. If you have ever stepped on wooden toys, Barbie dolls, LEGO or Duplo, you know why I want her to remove stuff from the floor. Just imaging having to go check on her because she's crying, you enter the dark room in the middle of the night and step on something. Ouch.

What do you think? Do children have to do housework? Did you do housework when you were a kid? If you are a parent, do you involve your children in housework?

(title image: "Designed by Freepik", bunny basket photos: my own)
When we hear the word 'detox', we often think about the detoxication of our bodies. What we tend to forget, though, is that our souls and lives also need to be cleansed every now and then.

Doing a life detox was a huge step for me. A lot has happened in my life in the past three years and making the first step on the road to mental and emotional balance wasn't easy. A life detox, for me, meant to cut certain people out of my life, leave bad and toxic habits behind and start new, healthier and more productive habits.

Anxiety
I have suffered from anxiety all my life. When my daughter was born, it has become intolerable and by the time my daughter, Janka was 3 months old I had developed something like a mid-life crisis. I was feeling that the world around me was about to collapse, I didn't want to go back to my full-time job, I wanted to fulfil my decade-long dream of becoming a translator and interpreter and I had a five-year-long drama with my ex-husband regarding the business we used to have and it was hovering over my head like a sword. My anxiety was so severe that I can hardly remember anything from the period between February and June 2017. Anxiety was the Number 1 thing I had to get rid of or at least learn to control, so I went to therapy. After some assessment, my psychologist and I started to work on something that's called an 'anxiety hierarchy'. It means that you make a list of what makes you anxious. The one that causes the most anxiety is at the top of the list. Once you have finished the list, you start brainstorming the possible outcomes, both negative and positive. One option is that you realise that what seemed to be a gigantic problem is, in fact, not a big deal or you come up with a possible solution.

Cutting people out of your life
This is the hardest thing to do but you must do it. Cut out negative and toxic people or anyone who pulls you down. In my case, it meant even deleting people from the contacts list of my phone.

Social media
Oh, yes. Social media. It's so difficult to stay away from it, isn't it? The last step of the social aspect of my life detox was to go through all the websites where I had an account and if it was something negative or I was no longer using it, I deleted myself.
I also dedicated an entire afternoon going through my friends list on Facebook (the most toxic of them all, I think) and I defriended everyone who posted negative or hateful content and banned several people. It was such a relief!

Picking up new habits
In December, a friend of mine organised a two-day training where the participant could get to know themselves better and make short-, mid-, and long-term plans. I learnt a lot during those two days and now I'm trying to build new habits into my life, such as budgeting, more self-care, self-respect and writing a gratitude log.

Have you ever done a life detox? How did you do it? Did it work? Leave your answers in the comments section down below.



I have read a lot about colour theories and colour psychology. There are things that are true for me but a lot of theories just don't work in my case. Here's how I feel about different colours.

Let's start by talking about my wardrobe. A few years ago I decided to limit the colours I wear to white, black, pink and green. It might sound nonsense but actually, it had a lot of positive effects on me. First of all, I only wear colours that affect my mood in a positive way. Secondly, as I have limited colours in my wardrobe, I spend less time in front of my wardrobe every morning, trying to figure out what to wear.
I have a yellow top, a light blue shirt and a red dress but most of the colours I wear are different shades of the ones I have mentioned above.

Pink is my happy colour. I find it youthful, joyful and refreshing - in this aspect, I agree with colour psychology. I have fair hair and skin, so a lot of shades of pink look good on me.

Green is a colour that I used to hate when I was younger. However, a few years ago I realised that the jewel tone of green or emerald green does not only suit me as a thirty-something woman but it also balances out the rosacea I have. According to colour psychology, green is the colour of safety, envy and nature. For me, it is also a colour of wisdom and confidence.

White is regarded as the colour of innocence and cleanliness. It a very cold and sterile colour but I love wearing it. It's very classy. If I can't decide what to wear or I have to go somewhere to interpret, this is what I always choose. In Hungary, kids always have to wear black trousers/skirts and a white blouse or shirt, so it's the perfect colour for any special occasion.

Black is a favourite of mine. It's classy, bold and reflects professionalism and every time I wear black, I feel more flirtatious than in any other colour. In marketing, it is used to express luxury and formality.
Some members of my family hate it, though. My husband and mother think that it's a very sad colour and they associate it with death and grief. (That's the reason my mother never wears black.)

Orange
I have mixed feelings about this colour. It is thought to be the colour of energy and excitement and a lot of people associate it with Halloween. We don't celebrate Halloween in Hungary, but I love the pumpkin shade and falling leaves kind of shade of it. The vibrant versions are not my thing. It also makes me thirsty. It's definitely not my favourite colour.

Purple
I read it somewhere that purple is a soothing colour that it's the colour of wisdom. It might be true if you look at illustrations of witches, sorcerers, magicians, etc., this colour is often present in some form.
I have liked this colour since I was a teenager. Not the pastel shades, but the stronger, more vibrant versions as they boost my creativity.


Yellow is the colour of sunshine, right? It's a very happy and energetic colour. I was surprised to read in an article that it's the colour of frustration and aggression. I'm not sure if I agree with it.
I have only one yellow piece of clothing. It's a T-shirt and I love it. People say that I shouldn't wear it because I'm blonde but if put the right accessories and the right kind of makeup, it really suits me. And it also puts me in a positive mood. The only thing I don't like about it, though, is that it attracts wasps.

Let's move on to the colours I absolutely hate.

Blue
I have a royal blue mini dress and a light blue blouse with white stripe and a beautiful white embroidered detail. In also have dark blue jeans but other than these, I just can't stand it. When we moved into our house, one of the rooms was painted baby blue and it literally made me depressed. When my husband started to repaint to a neutral colour, he had a migraine after half an hour spent in that room and I could totally understand why.
Blue is the colour that makes me depressed, anxious and numb. I can't understand why some people see it as an inspiring colour and the colour of productivity. It totally blocks my brain.

Red
I don't think there is a colour I could hate more. Almost all the women I know say that it makes them feel confident. As far as I'm concerned, it's okay on my nails for a few days but I can't wear it. Remember the dress I mentioned earlier? My husband bought it for me. Wearing red stresses me out so much that I have worn it only twice and now I'm thinking of selling it. It makes me stressed and anxious and it's so severe that at Christmas, I can't stand the old fashioned red and green colour combo and last year as I was making an inventory of my Christmas decorations, all of the red ornaments ended either in the trash can or I gave them away to my mother.
I studied psychology at university and one of my teachers said that owners of red cars cause more accidents than those people who drive cars of any other colour because these people tend to be more aggressive than other drivers.

I don't know. What do you think?

Brown is such a sad and meaningless colour for me! It's okay as a part of autumn decoration but there's something about it that I just hate. It is thought to be the colour of strength, comfort and warmth but it has a negative effect on me.

What do you think about the theories I wrote about in this post? What is your favourite colour? What effect do these colours have on you?

I have used up almost all the space in my bullet journal that I started In January, so I ordered a new notebook and migrated my stuff.

In January, I started to use a colourful, fun bullet journal that I ordered at Aliexpress. This time, I picked a plain pink one which is very simple but very feminine. I'll include some the photos of the different pages here but if you want to know more about this migration, head over to my YouTube channel to watch a more detailed video. I'll add the link after the photos.










And here is the video:




I hope you liked this setup. My July setup is coming soon. If you have any suggestions for themes for the rest of the year, leave a comment down below. I would love to read your ideas.